I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
