i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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