he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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