God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
