i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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