You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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