True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
