You're a womanizer and a bitch.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
