people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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