at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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