he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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