Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
