dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
