Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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