I need to stop coming to work sober
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
