Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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