My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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