Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm really busy with my period
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