at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
