I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
