So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
