There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize