If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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