she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
