ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
The ass gains better be worth it
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