you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
