I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize