i will never coherently bang her
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize