I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
