We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
