If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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