He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
