Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
