Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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