i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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