watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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