The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
