Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
