So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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