i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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