you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
