God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
