I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
