my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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