I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
