No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
