I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
