found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
