he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
its liver damage thursday
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
