Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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