We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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