he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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