Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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