cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Pants are for mortals
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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