when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
