remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
