I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
