Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
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