Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
