but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
