Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
