Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
