they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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