I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
